It's How Life Is

A Step Beyond Hollow echos beckoning in the somber night, moans and groans that were once mortal tones, distant cries, relentless screams of sheer fright, the cracking, breaking sounds of ancient bones. Corridors to the pass found as shadows of time, where sleepless dead awake to desperate screams, blending reality with one’s thoughts and dreams, once held captive wide awake in a sleeping mind. Forces of good and evil often battle till the death, nightly visions so vivid yet one just can not see, in fearful forethought we take are last dying breath, as shadows prance from a dream we can never flee. Clanking sounds to a heart stopping thunderous roar, restless spirits yell out in desperation and confusion, locked away in a tomb without any windows or doors, searching for answers while lost in mindful illusion. Bewildered in the dark stillness the air turns cold as ice, words can never express the feeling burning in the heart, love, hate, power, and greed for which we pay the price, for ...

I'm joining in with Maxabella's blog hop Reasons to be Grateful. After much stressful thinking and deciding i have come up with a few. Although really not easy on a day like today. Today i had planned to clean the house from top to bottom, i have slacked over the past weeks with more visits to the hospital and moving my mother-in-law. However i woke this morning at 5a, to get my darling hubby up for work and was plagued with a stomach ache. So took my meds and went back to sleep. For some reason i have been feeling sick the past few mornings...no not morning sickness! So as you can gather i feel kinda babby as my son would say. So my reasons to be grateful are.. 1)the weather is rubbish so the majority of the washing can wait till tomorrow, hopefully the sun will show her face. 2)My son whom is usually a very noisy boy on a morning has sat on the sofa and has been very quiet hence giving my pounding head a break. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif 3)When you feeling rubbish a...

I found it difficult to find one that fitted my mood today but think this one is delightful. There is another sky by Emily Dickinson There is another sky, Ever serene and fair, And there is another sunshine, Though it be darkness there; Never mind faded forests, Austin, Never mind silent fields - Here is a little forest, Whose leaf is ever green; Here is a brighter garden, Where not a frost has been; In its unfading flowers I hear the bright bee hum: Prithee, my brother, Into my garden come!

I have decided to take some advice off my wicked stepmother over at http://gigglingatitall.blogspot.com/ She suggested i take part in some of the blogs that others are doing. So here goes for my first one! Here's my 3 word gallery for sticky fingers : Do it yourself! Don't get me wrong its really nice to see such enthusiasm from my 8 year old, its nice to hear him say 'I'll wash up mom' But tbh having to redo 97% of it...i should have done it myself. Still Thanks you to my little boy although not so little anymore :)

Its been one of those days i tell you. One where if anyone else smiles nicely at you and ask's how your day is like everything is OK you are bound to stand up scream, shout and tear you hair out. Its not a good day! Its a shit day, not only is it the longest day of the year and supposedly mid summers day and someone forgot to remind the weather of this when i nicely got rained on, on the school run...but boy where do we start! Well as you know from my recent posts over the past few weeks i had a miscarriage 7 weeks ago. After an erpc my hcg levels weren't dropping how they should be and i was suffering from stomach pains and bleeding. My results from the erpc showed no pregnancy tissue was removed but a scan showed all was clear. So in the time of having my initial scan and the erpc i had 'passed' my bean. However this didn't explain why i was having these problems still 7 weeks after. So after numerous blood tests i was today given antibiotics as they think it ma...

So this poem features in a film i totaly love. I find it hits the spot straight away, what poem does this to you? "Do not go gentle into that good night. Old age should burn and rave at close of day. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." ~D. Thomas "l will not go down underground Because somebody tells me that death's comin' 'round And I will not carry myself down to die. When I go to my grave My head will be high" ~B. Dylan

So its been a weeks since i went to the EPU and had more bloods done to check my hcg. After been sent home with meds for my unexplained stomach cramps, and constipation tablets to counteract the 'side effects' of the pain killers and stomach protecters and anti sickness...blah blah yes when i walk im sure i rattle! Anyways i was told to do a hpt today and then return on the 21st for more bloods. So as you can see from the picture that is my result for today! Stressful or what! Its baffling me so much. My hcg last weeks was in the 900's so surly nearly 6 weeks after erpc they should be close to below 5 and if not at least showing faint on a hpt test. Oh and can i point out its a crappy on that the hospital gave me that measuers at something like 25ml. I just want to know what is going on now. So here's to waiting another 7 days to finanlly get some answers.

I'm currently a member of a face book page related to miscarriage and the loss of little ones. Its a support group if you will, helps lots and gives you the step in the right direction to getting on with your life after a loss. In the recent days it has come to our attention that there are people out there in the world that like to 'pretend' they have lossed a little on or recently miscarried. Some will even go as far as stealing someone else's identity, photo's and real life story to get the emotional support they crave. Here is one of those stories. Please note that it is a very emotional article and not for the faint hearted. http://www.westlifetards.com/?p=1288

After a hectic few weeks i have realised i do have things to be cheerful for today 1) Finally after my miscarriage i have my first period. OK so some may be saying you are crazy girl no one likes them, but for me its a step forward to been able to start ttc again. 2)I have a wonderful family that have helped me through this. My stepmother that gave me words of wisdom, heartfelt comments and cheery emails everyday to keep my mind occupied. My mom for been there when i needed to cry, OK so it was over the phone but still....every girl needs her mom. My sister's for just been my sisier's. Putting past differences aside and helping me through. My Mil for been a huge help emotionally. My dad for showing me he does care after all. 3) I have a wonderful son and stepson. Ok they may seem like they are going on 18, gobby and so always thinking they are right, but they always make me smile. 4)My cat and kittens. Watching them bond, play and grow after having a rough time. (easily pleased...

So today's poem is one i first read and heard of at school. I remember how it made my imagination run wild. The words that where unheard of creates a whole new world in your mind. When i first read this to my son he giggled so much. What poem, either that you have recently heard or from childhood, makes your imagination giggle? Lewis Carroll (1832-1898) from Through the Looking Glass Jabberwocky 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!" He took his vorpal sword in hand: Long time the manxome foe he sought– So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thought. And, as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came wiffling through the tulgey wood, ...

We all assume that making a baby is simple, or i did tbh. Boy meets girl, girl and boy fall in love, sometimes get married. They have sex, a period is missed, a pregnancy test is taken, tears of joy, swollen feet, sore boobies, expanding appetite and belly and finally a beautiful bundle of joy after 9 month. Boy can we be so wrong! It is no where near as simple as that sadly. I first started TTC (trying to conceive) after my DH had his vasectomy reversal done 26Th Jan 2011. A week after his operation we were back to DTD (doing the deed) 10 week later i got my BFP(big fat positive). Sadly as you may have read i miscarried at 5 week. However to actually get where i got took a lot of planning. Has anyone watched inside the human body the first part? Interesting i must say! So you only have a certain amount of time in your cycle where you can actually conceive. In a standard 28 day cycle you ovulate 14 days after the first day of your period. A few people do the SMEP (Sprem meets egg plan)...

As i was sat eating a meal with my Mil, son and DH were got on the subject of what a woman will do and a man would do in teh case of needing to seek medical help. My problem is after my erpc i have been having some problems i said to my Dh if its hasnt got bettr by the end of the week i will go to the Dr's. My Dh seems to have what we think is a stomach issue and i suggested he should seek medical help too. You see the thing with men is they will puch you to get medical help till they are blue in the face, but if they need it they will shrugg their shouldrs saying it will be ok. I call this MANISEM!

It seems to be one of those days where i have the good old 'writers block'. Well to a certain degree i do. I have many things on my mind that i want to write about and i can write it all and then read it and I'm like hmmm...nah and scrap it. Its been a pretty rough weekend tbh. I attended what seems to be my second home on Sunday for more routine blood tests after my erpc on the 13th may, only to have to return later that night with sever stomach pains. Labour pains!!! bah they didn't have a notch on this. I was paralysed with the pain it was that bad. After sitting in A&E for 5 hours, a few more vales of blood taken i was sent home with Dihydrocodeine and Diclofenac. Felt sorry for my Dh as he had to be at work at 6 am that morning, we got in at 3.45! Sending my now drowsy son to bed i make a coffee and sat on the sofa wide awake. Typical. We spoke of what had happened in a&e, the wait times, the way they sit you in one room to wait and then move you onto the n...

Well all good news , or so I think so. Went for my second scan today and all is perfectly clear. There are NO retained pregnancy products there. Which is such a relief really. My hcg levels arnt dropping as fast as they would like but are dropping so that's good. Just have to repeat the bloods again in a few days to double check. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Today has been a mad rush if I'm honest. I don't feel like I have stopped. From paying the bills to shopping, to having to drink a pint of water to the scans . To been stabbed with a needle once again, I really feel like a pin cushion, to picking my son up from his 'adoptive' grandfathers, to visiting friends but constantly checking phone for news on blood results to coming home....breath....to feeding kittens, cleaning up, cooking tea and finally relaxing with a glass of wine whilst checking my mails and typing this blog, not to mention a few games of free bingo on che...

As I laid in bed last night just watching the numbers tick by I got to thinking about my blog, about what I had dreamed about when was a child. We all have that same question given to us at some point through out our life. 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' My first would have been a lawyer. I loved Ally McBeal . I like the whole concept of standing there defending someones case. I did study it for a year and half until I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Never took it up again after that. My second would be a writer. Didn't care what type of writing as long as I wrote. If I do say so myself I think I have a gift when it comes to poetry. Some light and breezy, some dark and not so breezy. So as an added extra I have decided to dedicate Thursday to poetry, some written by me, some from other authors I like. Feel free to add your own. So this poem was written by me as part of my Open University course. Got a good mark of 79 from it so rather pleased with myself. N...

OK so as mentioned in earlier posts i have been doing pregnancy tests weekly to see if i get that negative, which tbh we all expect to get straight away after a miscarriage . Well i rang my local EPU yesterday as it just didn't seem right that i was getting a 3+ after the erpc . So today i went for my bloods doing to check the hcg . On the 12 Th May they were 2098 not classed as a viable pregnancy as the scan had already shown the collapsed sack etc and my hcg just wasn't rising as it should. Its not 1st June and my hcg is 2298 ish . So over 2 week and 3 days give or take one my hcg has leveled by 200 ish . I also got my results back from the erpc . NO PREGNANCY TISSUE was removed. This means my nightmare isn't over :( I still have JJ inside me...... or i have passed and this is a new pregnancy. Of course i would prefer the latter, but we don't always get what we want do we. So I'm booked in for another scan on Friday to determine if this is either...