Having down day...surly its allowed

Today even though its been a productive day, having got nearly all the xmas pressies sorted i still feel a little down :(
Next month will have been my due date, and instead of looking forward to cradling my lil baby I'm stressing on the fact that 7 month down the line I'm still not pregnant. A stress free month has brought on more emotions than normal. Is this due to the bottle of Lambrini i have drunk tonight??
Is it down to everywhere i look or read someone is pregnant?

So maybe I'm on a drunken (although i am not lol ) downer, a chance to feel sorry for myself. Having a stress free month who knows if its even worked. I don't even know if i have ovulated yet due to the fact i cant/wont/refuse to test! Stubborn much?? this month YES!!!

I have many Friends on face book site that have all gone through the challenges of baby lost at different stages and sometimes more than once and i feel inadequate to some of them. I have no scan photo, i was only 4-8 weeks gone. Yes i gave my bean a name and i mourned his/her loss like you wouldn't believe, but it always makes me wonder if some people out there are thinking to themselves get over it, it wasn't a baby, there was no heartbeat blah blah blah. I'm sorry but i guess if you ask any mother that has lost a child at ANY stage one a pregnancy as some as you see those two lines or the word pregnant you are having a baby, a living mini you or daddy, some one you want to treasure with all your heart body and soul.

I sometimes wonder if my past has come back to haunt me. Whether I'm the type of girl that shouldn't really be allowed in a situation where happiness is allowed?

Thinking over my life its not exactly been the happiest of lives.

From the rape, molestation, shitty childhood, watching my father walk out of my life, seeing my mother humiliated over and over, beaten, to myself been beaten, left alone pregnant with no support to meeting the man that changed my life.

Maybe that is a whole new chapter of writing.
Watch this space, i think the truth, the thoughts and feelings are about to unroll.


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