The good, the bad and the ugly

We all have 'those' relationships that we don't want to talk about. I think in my 28 years of life Ive had my fair share.

I first 'thought' i was in love at the tender age of 16. He was my first. I should have known that it
wasn't right really, when he never answered my calls and his friends were telling me he was seeing his ex behind my back. Ofc this was all true as i found out new years eve.
So was this my
journey onwards? was all my relationships to go on like this. Was i to become the one thing that i despised about my mom? Always taking the same person back because i loved them, or thought i did?

Well i think for the first few then yes!

The next was the guy in the army. I suppose i was his
UK shag piece along with probably a few others. We were together for a year, use to go to his house all the time, drinking with his mom and his little sisters adored me. Once again...i was cheated on and this came about on my birthday! Best thing is his excuse was ' well this lass had boobs like sooo big!' Hmmm it does make me wonder lol. I was a petite girl, slim at a size 8, and OK so i wasn't exactly huge in the upstairs department but i wasn't small or too small either. I thought a 34b was national average!?
So yeah that one went down the drain although i did return there some many years later....only for it to end almost as quick as it started.
Ex's just don't work twice.

The next was the hardest one i have ever had to endure, yet gave me the most
precious thing ever.
My son's father.
I had moved house after having trouble in my old end and ending up in a hostel. (would you believe
that where i spent my 18Th birthday?)
Good old
Bramley, although i shiver and get goosebumps when ever i hear, think of the name.
I met the guy while chatting to a friend that i had met while living there, had only been there maybe a week or two.
wasn't great looking but his personality was great. Bubbly, cheeky chappy type. Seemed polite and asked when he was allowed to come for a cuppa.
He was very gentlemanly and asked if he could be my boyfriend some days later. By agreeing i had just let
myself if for the most horrid time ever.

It started off
OK, i was working in a bar at the time so would see him after work or before. I started to notice things were not right when i came home from work one day and the lights were on in my house. He had broken in and he was there with his friends. That's when i found out he was doing drugs also. I wont lie and say I'm a stranger to them because I'm not. I have done certain ones on nights out etc, but haven't most people?
He was sniffing gas, pills, rocks and sniffing nail varnish. Also another substance i think it was
damp start or something along those lines.

It would become a
regular thing, i would come home and he would have broken in. My house was always full of people. Asking them to leave was like walking 2000 miles on the moon. I didn't seem to have a voice or any authority. I realise now, i should have phoned the police that first night and told him to do one. But i didn't....why i didn't, i don't know. I guess i will never know.

The first time he hit me was my worst nightmare.
Something i swore i would never let happen to me as i had seen It so many times with my mom and stepfather.

I had been round to one of our friends houses. Having had a pizza before i left, i left him some,
however his friends had eaten it bar one slice. I came into the lounge to pitch blackness, could see him sat in the chair so presumed he had nodded off. I switched the light on. He asked me to turn it off as he had headache. Figuring i was going to get a bath and go to bed any way i switched it off and made my way across the room. Next thing i know I'm on the floor in fetal position with a foot in my stomach been shouted at for not saving him any pizza! I had never felt so much pain, my whole body ached. He left the living room and went upstairs. I lay for what seemed like hours before moving myself upstairs. Why i got in the bed i don't know. I moved as far away from him as i could. He snuggled into me saying he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again, he didn't know what had happened. Then raped me.

I still
didn't leave. I didn't really have anywhere to go, no one to talk to as this was the area he had grown up on, all my so called friends were his friends.

I was bruised all on my stomach, my arm and the top of my leg. His mom, did nothing, she was terrified of him he would smash her house up all the time.

What had i got myself into?

wasn't the only time, more were to follow, silly little things would trigger him off and i would be ragged around the room by my hair. He once locked me in the bedroom, while all his mates were downstairs, threatened to shave off my hair and set my head on fire, rub salt int he wound. Sad thing is...i think he would have.

Then i find out he is sleeping with a 14 yr old girl. Even the girls mom
didn't put a stop to it! He would tell her how he loved her, and would sleep with her in my house, in my bed! Yet as i was under the spell of what a man does to you once they have put you in your place, i did nothing. I did kick off about it a few times don't get me wrong. But for kicking off i would receive a kicking.

Cutting the story short, something happened with one of his dealer and he had to leave the area. Taking him with me as i had no place to go. His mom took us to her nephews.
Things were
OK for a few month. He wasn't doing drugs and he seemed OK. There was still the odd occasion where he would rag me about.
Then i found out i was pregnant.

He had been spending most nights on the
chat rooms and was talking to woman in Pennsylvania.
One morning he informs me with tickets in his hands he is going to be with this woman. I tried to tell her what he was like. But he had sweet talked her just
like he had me. She didn't know i was his 'girlfriend' let alone pregnant. But that didn't stop her once i told her. They apparently married while he was out there for the 3 month. Then he hit her also....

He turned up on my door just before
Christmas asking for a place to stay for a while, been the gullible bitch i am i allowed it.

He left the day before new year. I had my son the 9
Th Jan 2003 and in the whole amount of time he has been alive he has seen him once. He did threaten to kidnap him once but i think that was him just trying to scare me.

After that there was one or two more bad relationships, all resulting on them cheating on me.

Then i met Mike while working in a bar. Yes i was in a relationship but it was one that had been over for ages and he just
wasn't taking the hints even though i had said to him i didn't want to be with him.

Least to say i found the man for me. One that treats me as an equal, makes me laugh, never hits me, never rapes me, loves me for who i am and whom i love back.


  1. Just letting you know I have read this.
    Not going to put all I think and feel in a comment. Will email this week at some point.


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